An everlasting affair

Unlike my other articles, I wrote this one in just five days. It was initially titled, MOM; but changed at the last minute to, An affair to remember. Dad didn't like the new title, because he had seen the movie with the same name; he thought it is misleading. Later, one of my friends, whom I met after 22 years, suggested the current title. I guess when you meet a person after such a long time, you are obliged to grant their simple wishes.

It got good reviews though. You can read it on daiiji here.

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“Mothers are all slightly insane.” - J. D. Salinger

My earliest memories are with my mom. If I look backwards I can not imagine a single moment without my mom. Mom was always there, like a shadow, like a body guard. I was mom centric!

Mom would take all my decisions, in fact she did so many things for me – she almost made me a handicap! I was 24/7 under mom’s care. She would sense dangers miles and hours ahead.

As a kid, strangers could not talk to me, they were politely denied access. I don’t have a single lone picture of my kid days; mom is there in every one of them! My toys were carefully scrutinized not to have any sharp edges, large enough not to swallow.

I was not allowed near any of the water resources; I was almost hydrophobic. I was also not allowed near any of the non-water resources like, pits, deep trenches and water less wells. I was not allowed to do so many things, there were really not many things I was allowed to do.

It was a difficult child hood, almost like Cinderella before she met the prince!

Father and Son
For a long time I thought Dad was a guest! He was working in the Middle East for most of his career. We could see him only once a year for a month during Christmas. He used to arrive just before Santa.

Those days, I was suspicious of this guy who talked, dressed and looked like me. I would wonder hours how could he emulate me so much. Only later, I realized the things are the other-way-around; that I was the one who got all the attributes from him.

Since dad was away most of the time; mom was like dad as well as mom.

Samson’s assets
Once a month my mom would take me to Raganna the village barber. He was the barber for my grand father, my dad, me and may be for my children too. Years will pass, kingdoms will fall, centuries will go, but Raganna the good man with his sharp scissors, simple smile, will be always available to serve the people in need of an emergency haircut!

“Cut his hair as short as possible” – she would order Raganna.
“Madam, short hair will spoil the looks of the boy”
“We don’t want to visit you every week!” she would say “He is not going to become a movie star”
“I understand, perfectly” Raganna would accept his defeat.

“Please, keep the hair bit long in the front” I would beg him.
“Can’t do that boy, can’t imagine losing a good customer in this small village!”

Another mom
Grandma saved me a lot of times. I was her pet.
“Don’t be so strict to your son” grandma would tell my mom “I was not”
“Don’t tell..” my mom would start, But grandma would stop her in-between,
“Don’t raise your voice to your mom in front of your son and be a bad example!”

For local church feast Grandma would give me 100 Rs note.
“I will give you 2 notes if you give me the one grandma gave you” mom would say. I would fall for it; only to understand later that I bartered for two 10 Rs notes. Ever wonder how kids lose their innocence.

Friends in need
My friends were mortified by mom. She would corner them and interrogate. “Are you guys my son’s friends?”
“No, madam” they would say intelligently.
“I know you guys; tell me which brand you smoke”
“Will………yeaaks we don’t smoke”
“Do not, I repeat do not” she would shout like a military officer “spoil my son!”

Superman’s Identity
“I would like to have a VIP underwear” – shy to death, croak somehow those words to the salesman on the counter. In those days there used to be an advertisement of VIP, where a naked or almost naked man jumps from the roof-top saves a girl from an imposter wearing only a VIP underwear!

What this naked man was doing on the roof-top in the first place, was beyond my comprehension! It went to my mind that these VIP briefs would give me a macho look and some how get me out of my moms influence.

“What size?” – Salesman would ask with indifference.
Before I say anything my mom would jump “22!”
“Its 24, mom “I would correct her.
“24 is too loose for you, give him 22” she would order the salesman
“What color?”
“Pink” mom would say.
“Pink is girlish!” I beg.
“Pink is good for you. No one is going to check anyway!” she would wink.

Doctor Holla
“Are you Prashant or Pratap?” Doctor Holla used to ask that question every time I visit him with mom. Pratap is my younger brother. Except the surname we don’t have anything in common. One of us is a mutant; guess it is me! Strangers, upon seeing us would express serious doubts of being us belonging to the same mother. Even then Doctor Holla would ask “Are you Prashant or Pratap?”

He is one of the slowest persons I have ever seen. He speaks so low, I need to put 150% attention.

“He is Prashant; the slower one” mom would reply for me.

He would slowly poke a finger at my tummy and ask “Does it hurts here?”
My mom would quickly jump “Not there, the other side”
Dr. Holla with his immense patience raises his gaze slowly from my tummy to her “Lady, I am asking the patient”
“You may be asking the patient, but the patient is my son!”.
Then she would continue “give him some antibiotics and may be 1 or 2 Brufen for the pain“. At this even the mountain of patience Dr. Holla loses his control, with great difficulty he would say “Madam, I am the doctor here”
“You may be the Doctor, But I am his mom” She would even argue with a doctor.

Eli Eli lama sabachthani
Whenever I was in the church alone, I would pray “God get me out of my moms influence, and take me under yours!” I would put 50 paisa and wait for response; when there was none I try again “Here is one more 50 paisa!” and wait for ever!

Before leaving the church I would whisper, “I have got more coins, think about it” A final offer to God! Like the one in God Father – the offer he can not reject!

Unknown Future
Being kid, I was really fascinated by automobiles. I wanted to be a bus driver when I grow up.
“What would you be when you become older” once a guest asked.
“I want to be a bus…”
“He will become a priest!” Mom interfered “My other two kids will marry and have children, but this one the slower among the three will become a priest, he lacks competence!”
“Mom, I want to be a bus driver”
“No, you will be a priest”
“Can I become both?”
“What do you mean?”
“I can become a priest and bus driver at the same time. So when ever I don’t preach, I can drive people around!”
“A 2 in one, driver/priest; I don’t think that would be practical. You may need permission from Rome.”

At this point the same guest who first asked the question would initiate “Madam, why would a perfectly normal boy needs to be a priest when there are other more profiting and promising ventures available?”
“As I said he doesn’t have the competence, he is slow, like a tube-light!”
“On the contrary “ I said “I know how a tube-light works, there are two input wires, kerosene flows in one, fire flows in another one!”

There was a sudden silence. The guest won’t know weather to laugh or be serious.
“Who told you that?!” mom shook me.
“Peddy master” I said. He was my favorite teacher. He used to tell all these imaginary stories. I believed each one of them.

After this incident my mom was hunting for Peddy master. He was in her top priority list. She caught hold of him one day in the market. “Are you the MAN “(not are you the teacher) she hollered “who told my son that tube lights work by kerosene?”

It took him some time to comprehend the whole situation. Sheepishly the old man said “Madam, I told him a story in which a village boy thinks that!”

“Well don’t teach him what the village boys think, teach him what Edison proved!”

Other moms
I was not allowed outside after dark. Sometimes when I was late, I was locked outside.
“Mom, open the door!”
“What time is it?” She would ask from the window.
“7.00”
“No it is 7:02!”
“I am sure; Sachin’s mom is allowing him to play all the time. He is making the news. He will one day play for the Indian team”
“If he plays all the time; he won’t even pass SSLC; who would take a SSLC failure to national team?”

She was right about Sachin failing to clear SSLC, but terribly wrong about him not getting entry in the national team. Later Sachin Tendulkar would become the most famous and most loved cricketer in the history of the game!

Friends forever
Now that I am married and mature (both things are not linked!), when I recollect those old days, I simply laugh at them. All that possessiveness, rules and regulations from mom somehow worked on me; made me a normal guy, if not a great guy.

When you become old and your parents older; they become your best friends. They are the best people to lean on. You are always sure their love is unconditional. They are no more possessive. They become confident; they defend you with the strangers.

I wander sometimes in the kitchen while mom is cooking; Pick something from the dish (which I was not allowed to do when I was younger) and exclaim – “This is simply the best food I ever had”
“Is it better than your wife’s food?” she would ask mockingly.
“Mom, are you jealous? You know I can not answer that.”

“How is your sex life?”

“What the F…” I contain myself “How can you ask me that question?”
“I am your mom I can ask you anything.”

“You are becoming senile” I wander out of the kitchen.

Epilogue
There was a kind of survey and I was caught hold by a young man with a questionnaire. He asked me lot of questions, my opinions on sex education, my sex preferences, life after death etc etc

“Who is the most important person in your life?” Before I could say anything he said
“You can do the Aamir-Khan-Trick?”
“What is Aamir-Khan-Trick?” I asked him.
“In Dil-Chahata-hai, when asked the same question, he closes his eyes to eliminate rest of the guys to finalize on Preity Zinta!”

“Oh, that is a nice trick, though I don’t need it.” Cleared my voice and confidently said –“The most important person in my life is - my mother”